friarmike

In search of Courage

I am one of those few people who has never seen the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’. However, I believe the cowardly lion discovers courage and no doubt lives forever differently.

TV I do watch, and an endless stream of 60 minute dramas that aid R&R of an evening - or a leisurely saturday morning with a suitable ‘big’ breakfast. All part of the Friary rhythm! This morning I caught an episode of ‘Law & Order’ dealing with rape. The story revolved on two points; one the difficulty in proving rape from the victim’s perspective. The other the way in which truth has continually to be wrestled into the open as the deceits behind which it seeks to hide are exposed for the distractions and lies that they are.

The Lie

One breaking news story of this weekend is the possible deceits of Chris Huhne MP and his former wife Ms Pryce over charges that they colluded to pervert the course of justice - a serious crime in Common Law that carries the maximum penalty of life imprisonment.

The allegations date back to 2003 and only in 2012 have sufficient distortions, deceits and lies been exposed to enable the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) to determine that there are sufficient grounds to bring criminal charges.

The Garden

These thoughts carry be back to the garden where a man and a women sought to disguise their nakedness and indeed their presence from Divine authority. 

When both disguise and concealment failed to protect them, the man began the blame game and pointed to everyone else but himself as the reason for the act of wrong doing - off limits scrumping to be precise.

Now I do not know what a short, simple statement of honesty when caught might have produced. However, we do observe an attempt to create a tangled web of deceit. This quickly led to lifelong exclusion from the garden - a life sentence if ever there was one. Bad news since, as Joni Mitchell reminded us in idealistic innocence, ‘We’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden’. Best of luck with that!

The Consequence

So excluded for a life time - and life time was generations of waiting until a Truth teller arrived in town and a steep and narrow pathway was created back towards the garden. Problem being the price of traveling on this pathway created through blood, sweat and tears, was a commitment to follow the Truth teller in simply telling the truth.

I, like many, find this hard. My childhood and teenage years exposed me both to being lied to and then to developing an acute sense of exercising an economy of language when expressing A truth as if it were THE truth. 

Difficulties emerged when I began to walk on this crafted Truth teller’s way, initially often slipping off and having to painfully recover the path. Realising that society at large was more familiar with the economy truth game than the real truth game. This latter seen as both a fool’s errand and damaging in that it created a moral dilemma for the one hearing my Truth - a dilemma they preferred not to engage with. So I then became their problem since I created the moral dilemma!

The Conclusion

Well I have now become very familiar with the way of Truth and like it. Often I find I will be walking alone, and the climb is steep and challenging. The path however has stunning vistas and I can observe those moments where truth economy might well have secured me an apparently more comfortable path, if not a place to lay my head in comfort for a while. Yet the Truth teller does not seem that committed to resting and so neither am I. 

Can’t help wondering what truth telling might actually do to rebuilding faith and trust in each other and so stimulate both national morality, economic growth and international reputation. 

 

Realising the Good Within

Delusional Transformation
Surfing the internet I have been powerfully impacted. Not by the internet or its informational overload but by the appeals to human insecurity. The number of carefully crafted websites selling me skills that will somehow both enhance my self esteem and my financial opportunities are endless. Oh! I can also sign up for regular email encouragements and ‘inner secrets’.

Now I am not against marketing and actually accompany individuals on their journey of spiritual realisation as well as coach women and men in delivering more competently, comfortably and effectively. I present myself as a Whole Life Therapist, for that is who I am. I am also a Friar of the Franciscan brand. 

The Power of One
Yet we must remember that every individual deserves to be enabled to know themselves and live from within, otherwise they become dependent upon others, can only deliver ‘models’ that offer hope but are in fact no more than mere plastic imitations of anything real, and generally feed the false self that is nourished within each one of us from birth.

When the rich young ruler approached Jesus and greeted him as, ‘Good teacher’, he was no doubt following the formula taught him at a recent ‘Maximising your Personal Impact’ seminar. Call the Master ‘Good’ and so appeal to his ego in such a way that he will instinctively be drawn to you. This, the rich young ruler has been taught, will ‘add value’ to the relational space he might fill within Jesus’ missional responsibility. Obviously Jesus needs his wealth because what can be achieved without money? Therefore he needs to secure a relational in and manufacture a business win!

Who Am I?
Of course Jesus having wrestled the false ego most successfully in the wilderness when assaulted three times by the Enemy, is comfortable in who he is and free from desires for personal wealth accumulation, personal power or public position. He knows it is enough to simply do what Dad tells him!

So Jesus responds with a question. ‘Why do you call me good? No-one is good but God alone’. An unusual response but an accurate recognition that the human heart is perpetually deceived and deceiving, hence it is difficult to establish integrity - a question that I wrestled with as I visited site after site offering to enhance my personal appeal, add value to my offer and ultimately enhance my business and personal bank account.

Sadly for the rich young ruler, Jesus was not in the business of managing and promoting www.Jesus.com. He was not promoting himself, a series of life changing products and his own carefully branded and niche heavenly services. No! He was doing something most unfashionable today; he was speaking the Truth! 

Achieving Personal Security
This the rich young ruler learnt at the cost of his own eternal security. He may well have had sufficient income, investments and bonuses to secure a comfortable conclusion to his mortal life on earth. Sadly, however, he had no stake beyond the grave as he had failed to appreciate how he might invest in that future dimension of his life and had nothing set aside against immortality.

Jesus was unimpressed with the rich young ruler’s religiosity - ‘But I am a benedictine Oblate, I attend Retreats, I have been on a pilgrimage to Assisi, I engage daily with centring prayer, I am kind to people and animals’. 

Jesus responds, “Go, get rid of all that junk that is your current life, the wealth you have generated and this dangerous ego reinforcement strategy, and then Follow Me”.

All too much for the rich young ruler who left sorrowful - but probably a sort of sorrowful that was all about him - his self pity - and not a lot about the failure to be able to respond to Jesus’ challenge.

Faith, Trust & Friendship
This challenge of Jesus is an appeal to faith and trust - in as far as we trust Jesus we will live at ease and at peace within the world. We may not have a lot to show financially yet we will offer a tremendous amount emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. For the majority of people who attend any or all of these sparkling seminars, life changes very little. However, their bank accounts are seriously emptied. It is faith filled people they need to find to truly turn their lives around.

Friendship is not a commodity it is a gift; one which each of us has. Friendship is not for personal advancement but for mutual encouragement. There is in fact a dearth of friendship today - in part because we are all captivated by the race for financial security. 

The Way Ahead
Instead of looking outside ourselves for our success, it lies in fact within us. It is a seed - the Godseed - planted by the Divine hand at conception. Our task is to follow Jesus and travel beyond the false self to discover the true self and live out of that reality. Then we will enjoy peace and self confidence and an ability to contribute. The search for self realisation will end as we discover who we were always created to be and walk ever deeper into Christlikeness. This is the true richness Jesus offers to each and everyone of us.

Where are you?

This is the all important question raised by God in serach of his first human companions. However, this couple had tasted a fresh fruit - that of self realisation - and now discovered for themselves self consciousness. First consequence - covering up their embarrassing nakedness.

Years of walking away from the garden has left us lost in selves of our own creation, aided and abetted throughthe various stages of our upbringing by family, peers, church etc. The invitation and the challenge is to stop, take stock and seek to delve into the unconscious to discover our true selves.

TRUE SELF/FALSE SELF

This is not an easy option. Just recognising that there is a false self in no way delivers me from its clutches and control. I have simply rationally and intellectually acknowledged its reality. A change in my informational database is no sign or symbol of any meaningful change in who I am or how I am able to live in the world.

Hence I can rage against the tension I experience in seeking to live in a dynamic transactional world, where my ability to live and survive is directly related to the transactional relationships I successfully generate. If I don't care to play that game, no problem I will sink and disappear - the outcome will most likely be both ugly and painful.

THE CONTEMPLATIVE WAY

However, if I recognise that I am invited to partner the Divine in a discovery - or rediscovery - of my true self, happiness will be my reward. I certainly believe this, yet recognise it is no easy equation. It requires a commitment from me to journey faithfully as a contemplative, and that self discovery in the realm of my unconscious will present some challenging questions to my conscious acceptance of myself. There will of course be the emotional turmoil that such a journey creates in its wake!

Yet I am now about ready, after ten years of preparatory work, to say yes to the invitation to embrace the contemplative life. I do so feeling all the angst and fury that daily life causes to rise within me, yet accepting that the regular rhythm of pursuing God in solitude and silence will mature me in ways that have as yet eluded me.

 

Where are you?

This is the all important question raised by God in serach of his first human companions. However, this couple had tasted a fresh fruit - that of self realisation - and now discovered for themselves self consciousness. First consequence - covering up their embarrassing nakedness.

Years of walking away from the garden has left us lost in selves of our own creation, aided and abetted throughthe various stages of our upbringing by family, peers, church etc. The invitation and the challenge is to stop, take stock and seek to delve into the unconscious to discover our true selves.

TRUE SELF/FALSE SELF

This is not an easy option. Just recognising that there is a false self in no way delivers me from its clutches and control. I have simply rationally and intellectually acknowledged its reality. A change in my informational database is no sign or symbol of any meaningful change in who I am or how I am able to live in the world.

Hence I can rage against the tension I experience in seeking to live in a dynamic transactional world, where my ability to live and survive is directly related to the transactional relationships I successfully generate. If I don't care to play that game, no problem I will sink and disappear - the outcome will most likely be both ugly and painful.

THE CONTEMPLATIVE WAY

However, if I recognise that I am invited to partner the Divine in a discovery - or rediscovery - of my true self, happiness will be my reward. I certainly believe this, yet recognise it is no easy equation. It requires a commitment from me to journey faithfully as a contemplative, and that self discovery in the realm of my unconscious will present some challenging questions to my conscious acceptance of myself. There will of course be the emotional turmoil that such a journey creates in its wake!

Yet I am now about ready, after ten years of preparatory work, to say yes to the invitation to embrace the contemplative life. I do so feeling all the angst and fury that daily life causes to rise within me, yet accepting that the regular rhythm of pursuing God in solitude and silence will mature me in ways that have as yet eluded me.

 

Where in the World?

There are times - increasingly frequent - when I am at a loss to know how to make sense of life. I know I am ageing and perhaps that makes a difference. For the scheme of life seems to be an endless repetition of irrelevant activities. Get up, eat breakfast, try to find enough work to pay for that breakfast - oh! and lunch and dinner as well.

 It matters little what the work is - just so long as one scratches out sufficient income to pay the tyranny of demands that are the price tag of democratic capitalism. 

 What to do? I don’t really have a tremendous appetite for living, working earning. Does that make me a reprobate or worse? Suffice to say I do work, many more hours than many of those I know yet such investment of hours produces little financial return. Perhaps I am simply inept, stupid and naive. Yet I don’t think I am alone.

 I am not that interested in becoming a waiter, bank clerk or company executive. Simply on the basis that I have little commitment to what such businesses deliver. The only purpose would be to keep me in coin so I can maintain the drudgery of the endless plight of humanity; awake, eat commute, work, earn, return home, eat, watch pointless TV & then sleep to generate sufficient strength to do it all again.

 My love for God is increasingly insufficient to enable me to find the will power to care enough to bother any longer. I am lost in this perennial tedium. Even stating it so baldly causes me to feel somewhat ungrateful - so be it. It is what it is and I am tired of manufacturing energy and excitement.

 Life is dreary - the outcome of very many decisions and, in my case, I can only conclude bad decisions. Well here is the challenge: to discover God in these collapsing inner recesses of my own diseased mind. May God have mercy - I know of no-one else to turn towards.

 

Family Christmas

The Challenge

It's a challenge each Christmas. My aged mum comes which is fun. However, I miss the opportunity for real celebration a larger family gathering would offer. Neither of my siblings, no doubt for excellent reasons, appear to want to enjoy an extended family gathering.

Over the years this has made me sad. Yet I am slowly seeking to come to terms with it. My preference is after all only my preference. As a mediator I of all people recognise that there is always 'another story'! My perception is neither the only one nor the right one. I am curious in a contrsuctive way as to my sister's and brother's perceptions.

Heavy Hearted

Of course reacognising the intellectual validity is not the same as addressing the emotions associated with the situation. These emotions can lead to paranoid thoughts that my natural family all hate me through to sub personality 'Mr Angry' getting into a mood and yelling. Such yelling is entirely inconsequential, unless you are in the way of it, but does feel good at the time.

Learning to sit with the heavy heart and refuse to give voice to the disappointment is a skill I am slowly learning to master. After all is it really a family festival? Or is it not an opportunity to take stock and give thanks for the many good experiences in life and show love to others? 

Managing the Disappointment

This year I have found that to sit quietly with the weight of the disappointment has been a good way to manage my own personal pain. Only one brief outburst on Christmas Day - but this has been so much better than before. So what made the difference?

1) Be Prepared. I know what Christmas does. I also know that neither of my siblings will initiate any conversation about Christmas and just hope it will be managed as it has been every year before. If I am ready to accept this state of affairs, I know what to expect and therefore have no reason to react negatively to the situation. I can be prepared for the situation and my emotional responses.

2) Address the Perception. In response to my feelings and perception, I decided this year to write a brief handwritten letter to both my sister and brother expressing the fact that we had not spent any meaningful time together since we all flew the family nest 4 decades ago. Forty years of no real interaction is not going to be overcome in an instant. This is a pattern of behaviour for which we all have to accept equal responsibility. I made the offer to meet up and build friendship. However, I also gave a way out by saying I was cool if that was not what either of them wanted. I had to be sure that I would be cool before I conveyed that message to them. 

3) Imagine the future. I looked at the worst outcome and then imagined myself on a quayside as two ocean going liners set sail for distant countries. On one was my sister on the other my brother. I waved them goodbye recognising that they were emigrating and that communication and meeting will therefore prove difficult. I turned and walked away from the quayside with a deep sadness yet knowing that any future contact, however meagre, will be valuable in itself. I was able to keep my love for both of them alive and accept the minimal contact as sufficient.

4) Managing forward. Of course imagining the worst case and living in the reality of such a scenario are different from each other. I therefore began a process of revisiting that quayside image, of verbally expressing gratitude for the pieces of news and communication I do receive, most often from mum herself, whilst also accepting that once mum passes it is likely communication and contact will diminish still further. 

Living now

Emerging from Christmas many may find they journey into the New Year with disappointments. I am now 'managing forward' in the strength of what I have imagined - which is the worst scenario - so it might improve! However, the improvement will happen in real time and not in the dark recesses of my diseased mind! I am fortunate since I have over the last few years discovered so much as a contemplative follower of Jesus. This has provided critical skills to help live in the midst of the pain experiencing the comfort of the Beloved. This last may not be where you are, and no problems.

Each of us must progress through life and at times we must make the effort to lay aside that which robs us, even though it presents itself as an ideal solution if only we could pull it off. The issue, however, is that we have not pulled it off, and after many unsuccessful attempts there comes a time to say we will respond but can no longer either dream or initiate.

14 October: Katey Day

I have decided to embrace 14 October each year as katey day. It is the day that she quietly slipped her moorings and set sail on the translucent eternal ocean that is God’s liquid love.

This year I visited Quarr Abbey, enjoying the warmth and sunshine of this St Martin’s Summer. Of course today more fashionably renamed ‘Indian Summer’ thanks to a colonial friends in the USA - a time when the first nation’s were seen to return home for harvest and winter and the colonists could expect all raids to cease until the following spring.

However, before this it was St Martin’s Summer describing any period of unexpected sunshine from the end of September until St Martin’s feast day on November 11.

I can’t say I thought too much about St Martin, although he has been in my thoughts. A good friend of mine moved from Pompey to St Martinsfield in Martinstown in Dorset - neither of us know why it was named after St Martin.

Still my trip to Quarr was made as a pilgrim. I had my scrip (day sack) and staff and walked from my house to the car ferry that carried me to the Isle of Wight. En route I paused and prayed at the roofless Garrison Church. 

This had once served as a hospital named Domus Dei or House of God. It was built in 1212 to offer hospitality to traveling pilgrims on their way to Chichester, Winchester and Canterbury. It was a time to reflect on Katey’s final day on earth when she received such kindness and welcome from a modern day hospital - on her pilgrimage to God’s presence.

I then tipped my hat to the cathedral, dedicated to St Thomas a Becket and as such a reminder that even servants of the Crown can be transformed by the love of God: Dr Fox et al take note!

A gentle crossing, followed by my walk to the Abbey and a day of wonderful reflections in the pilgrim chapel, surveying the ruins of the original abbey and visiting a beautiful Norman parish church in Binstead.

I could not help recalling that as I was able to sit out in the Abbey’s grounds in this unexpected yet welcome autumnal warmth, that Katey herself had burned brightest and radiated such a warmth of welcome, calm and beauty in the early and unexpected autumn of her life. And just as this St Martin’s summer will swiftly disappear so her mortal life quietly faded and was extinguished that fateful autumnal evening. 

On that occasion as we left the hospital we were sprinkled with raindrops - creation’s tears mingled with our own. However, on this the third anniversary I returned across the Solent gazing upon a glorious sunset; a reminder of Katey’s most glorious inheritance. I smiled and went my pilgrim’s way.

 

It is significant that those who lead our nation appear to have more answers than questions. This worries me. I would feel a lot safer with more questioning and the creation of an open space for conversation. The dialogue might more easily be moved away from positional statements to exploring shared interests and then determining creative solutions in light of those interests. Until then I anticipate monologues of persuasive speeches. I shall return to the silence and listen to the Beloved.

A Time to Speak

Following my first week long silent retreat, I knew that I was required to be silent. Hence no blogs for a while. The silent - or directed - retreat took place at the Carmelite Friary in Aylesford in Kent. The retreat was directed in as far as I had up to 30 minutes available with a spiritual director each morning.

This was a wonderful time in which I could chat about what God was talking through with me. My director, a delightful lady, listened, asked questions and placed some useful resources in my hands. As for the rest of the time it was in silence, including meal times. I found it enriching and deeply engaging. I captured the experience as best I could in my journal. I had arrived with an agenda based around what I describe as the fourth chapter of my life. This may sound strange so allow me to enlighten you.

Chapter One was my childhood and education - happy memories soaked in sunshine as though it never rained. Chapter Two was conversion and christian service, a time of great opportunity, fun and remarkable successes. Chapter Three saw me thrust into the role of conflicted carer as I sought to find the means and the grace to care for my wife Katey as she battled her MS. This paralysing disease eventually demanded her life in 2008. And so to the present - Chapter Four entitled ‘Disconnected and Confused’! Here I had stumbled and ground to a halt - writer’s block - not knowing how to fill the first page of this new chapter. Various attempts such as revisiting the substance and acquaintances from Chapter Two had failed to ‘re-launch’ my life. Here was my diet for a week of silence.

Significantly God had his own intentions for our week together. Notably, whilst retainng my agenda inviting me to look at it through a different set of lenses. The struggles I had been experiencing in seeking to resume my past life were cut away from me. I was invited by the Spirit to consider who I had become through the rough and tumble of the previous years, more especially chapter three. I was freed to once more gaze at and embrace the original calling I had experienced when at Oxford and upon first finding God. This was energising and my whole being relaxed. The call to Christian service was restated and reinforced.

The vehicle I had travelled in and somehow either tumbled or been tipped out of - evangelicalism - could be safely abandoned. My purpose and my call remained intact. My God still beckoned me forward. I might choose the vehicle for the future to realise all God had invested into me. Hence upon returning home I embraced a further period of silence and reflection to better clarify all my Beloved had entrusted to me. I am the richer for that time and shall again begin to write. However, write from a fresh, if not a new place. 

I am grateful for the road I have travelled, and those who proved to be companions along the way. However, my road has now branched off and I will explore alone or until joined by fresh companions for this next chapter. I shall continue to explore Formation and share all I see, feel and discover with fellow pilgrims in search of the heart of God and willing to build the solidarity that is at the heart of all true Christian community. This feels good, if challenging. I also feel alone yet at peace within, secure in the knowledge of God’s call and confident that as I have found grace sufficient for Chapters 1 through 3, there will be sufficient grace for the whole of Chapter 4 as it unfolds.

I have no need of tomorrow’s grace, today!

In Search of Saints

One wonders where the avalanche which is the Murdoch meltdown will end. The very media that Murdoch has championed and fed himself from has now perhaps turned to strike him back. 24/7 reporting has created a voracious appetite amongst news junkies whilst commentators have to find continuous new angles to fill the airwaves.

It is worth reflecting that the series of high profile resignations may be a direct result of this incessant clamour for news print or broadcast material. Is it appropriate that senior police officers in the Met. should resign so suddenly? Especially before the results of a full and frank public enquiry reports! Even the Prime Minister looks vulnerable. It will be left to historians to wrestle with the necessity or wisdom of some of these immediate decisions. News can it appears create the news.

Certainly the instant nature of news and the reach that media has via TV and the internet has created a culture requiring instant reaction and response. The news junkie wants an update or fresh angle each time s/he tunes in; the journalist needs to keep the story developing both to justify their existence and to contrast the present news hour with the last.

The global nature of networked news has immediate effect upon the financial value on News International with their share price having lost 20% of its pre crisis value as of this morning. Indeed this may present the greatest challenge to Mr Murdoch’s continuing control. Shareholders will not be happy!

We can all witness the reach and the power of new media - how best to enhance this remains a critical challenge. The whole of the UK seems to be swift to decry the evil of the Murdoch community - and by inference assume people in responsible positions are somehow, by virtue of that position, moral and ethical by default. Sadly this is not the case - humanity reflects its perennial fracture in every field of human endeavour. The disappointing fact is that no one seems to tire of the consistent failure of the humanist, secular experiment. Christianity remains in many ways ‘out of bounds’ yet offers a positive alternative to all that confronts us.

The church most surely has its faults, but tarnished saints are preferable to no saints at all.